overheard a conversation between 2 lesbians: 'back when I used to have dick sex...' oh, vegas, I so heart you
this morning i checked my reflection in the toilet as i was throwing up to make sure i still had my pearl earrings on
It's cheaper then a lap dance and you get your hair cut.
i love that youre following in my footsteps.. pissing yourself on your birthday is an honor and a privlege
Bisexual Viking-cowboy hybrid is at the bar again
Dibsssss
Law school has no idea what kind of prospect they have coming in. I just convinced a cop not to take me to jail by asking him if he really felt like cleaning puke out of his car tonight.
I think I'm going to go into my next therapy session with hot client with my fly down and when he tells me about it I'm going to say "how did that happen?!" and then porn music will start to play.
At the drs she looked at my back saw your scratch marks and asked "does your back itch a lot?"
But college guys get to crossfade so there's that
No idea what that is
Like getting bent? When you drink and smoke together...
I'm 30 stop using your cool kids words
Remember that time a drunk Dracula took a shit in the urinal? Ooh, that's right, it was last night.
I ate shrooms on a frozen river in an ice fishing shack after a day of vics and beer and walked around on the river in a stupor. They made me bite the head off of a fish.
Good. Sleepy. In the middle of a pregnancy scare. The usual.
If you magically turned into a tall white gay guy, ignore this message. If not, then I'm sure someone has your fb password.
He took a girl home at like eight, fucked her, kicked her out, came back to the bar, and repeated the process again at 10:30 and 2:30. THREE GIRLS IN ONE NIGHT. ALL PICKUPS. I HATE HIM.
I opened the door, threw up on the street, wiped my mouth and flashed a thumbs up to all of the cars behind us and kept on driving
Randomize
