If I were a woman I'd fill my water bra with liquor so that I could sip on it throughout the day.
I mean he's a cool ass guy, but he's genuinely in love with a fat chick. I just can't take him seriously as a person.
Just saw a motorized bathtub. I think this college thing is gonna work out.
Saying we were separated at birth, got on a ship and sailed here via onion barrel from Somalia didn't help our case at all....
Just had the weirdest flashback. Did we buy melon, take it into the restaurant and try to make them give it to us as dessert?
She said to bring taco sauce. Hoping that's a euphemism.
You could breast feed yourself wine!! This shit is genius!
You know it's a good party when even the dealers were too fucked up. Just found and counted 140 E pills I found in a bag in the couch. Just paid for weed this month.
So the guy who is making our IDs is in jail now for attempted murder, with no bail...
So no fakes?
Telling someone to make good decisions on a Thursday is like telling Santa to be Jewish.
Took three klonopin and turned all my jeans into jorts. I miss you
Looked like a bag of smashed assholes and smelt like a brewery - still got morning sex. Marriage rules sometimes!
Only I could go on a date with one guy, have a beer with a different guy and go home with the guy im trying to avoid. I have a talent or a problem.
There is a special place in hell for people who only eat the center of the pot brownies.
The day I let him eat me out will be the day that Donald trump is an honest, kind, non-bigoted member of society
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