can you come get me at the bar
ill be there in 10 min
can we stop off at build a bear on the way home
Listen, Pinot Grigio got me pregnant. It can get you a boyfriend.
remember earlier when I said I was over sex with random boys? take it back take it back take it back
he came so fast he could have be employed at jimmy johns
you were crying while pretty ricky was playing, what did you want me to do
I now have an ENTIRE drawer of unused disposable silverware from Boston Market... and you guys said I needed to "buy" kitchen stuff
You said "sustain yourself" quietly over and over as you fed joeys hamster cashews. Acid you is a trip
She just locked herself in the bedroom with an unopened bottle of wine and a steak knife. Unfortunately for her fingers, I stopped giving a fuck two hours ago.
I had to explain the gravity bong to my mom. Right after she pointed out I have a lot of dicks on my floor at any given moment.
He took the Gold in Olympic clit licking last night. Canada should be proud.
Pretty sure I humiliated the fuck out of myself last night after I was dared to attempt to give myself head. I hate vodka
you can't tell me not to come to work cause roads are bad then ask me an hour later to come in and expect me to be sober
Just had my butthole waxed. If that changes your plans for Saturday..
you were so high you asked for half double stack and half crispy chicken sandwich "welded together" in the wendy's drive through
I am still worried she'll have a seizure durring. What would I do? Try to ride it out and finish, or pull out and assist?
Randomize
