Holy cold harsh reality of sobriety batman
i soberly give you permission to do that to me when im drunk
I remember why I come home for the holidays. Sam Adams is the cheapest beer in the fridge
Gay walks of shame are so much more Amy Winehouse than straight girls
When I finally got there you were bleeding all over and you just kept saying over and over that the dog was your only friend at the party.
if i got ashes i think they'd burn a hole into my head with the amount of sins i've committed this year alone and it's only february
I need you to do me a favor and hide my sword from me tonight. I'm planning on drinking my weight in vodka and I don't trust myself enough to not run through campus screaming "I AM SPARTA!" You'll be saving me a mugshot as well as saving some innocent girls from tears.
I just audibly asked myself if i wanted to masturbate.
And then audibly agreed
A man in a black on black escalade pulled up next to me, and told me he was sent to pick me up by you.
His name is Tyreece. He will take you to the weed emporium, population me.
I'm at an awkward stage of not being able to tell if I wanna keep having fun or if I need to die in bed
Note to self: if you decide to go to the gym when you're coming down from your day high to shoot some hoops, do NOT play pickup basketball with the big black dudes who need a sixth
I was really proud of me too last night! Found a discarded hamburger that I have no memory of at the foot of the bed. Instead of a Dude. I'm really growing as a person
I will most likely miss you the least and fondly remember you as Mr. "I need a minute" but really need 24 hours and 4 extra inches.
What’s the level of adulting when you reschedule a dentist appointment to have a threesome?
I have to have boobs, you have the charm and wholesomeness that gets boyfriends... And i have boobs
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