I have the sudden urge to buy a Snuggie and wear it to the grocery store.
True true and the only thing that will burn more than the vodka we will consume is the shame in our loved one's eyes
And yet we make it a tradition to get inappropriately drunk at family functions. We amaze me.
At least it's not a funeral this time... I feel we're making improvements.
I went to moterboat her and I started laughing, so I just kinda blew on them... I think I'm gona call that move the sailboat.
my debutante medallion kept hitting his balls when i went down on him
HE COULDN'T FIND IT! WHAT KIND OF QUARTERBACK CAN'T FIND IT?!
The last thing I remember is him grabbing my ass and telling me he knew where the jello shots were, so I followed him.
NEW RULE: NO INNAPROPRIATE CHOICES THAT INVOLVE GUNS. I LIKE IT. WRITE THAT DOWN.
Get caught with marijuana. Cop takes piece. Buy new bong. Circle of fun.
There's a black statue of liberty dancing on the side of the road. Please hold while I join him.
I had to watch them play Salty Cracker. I have never seen a grown man cry with a boner before
Let's just say that in a last ditch effort to avoid getting arrested I said to the cop "but I'm not even that drunk" and he proceeded to point out (in front of a crowd) that I had "fucking pissed my pants"
THE AUSTRALIAN IS SINGLE AS FUCK.
I love when my neighbors have passionate, loud sex to remind me that I'm not getting laid
For future reference, when he drunkenly screams "YOUR MOTHER SUCKS COCKS IN HELL," he means that he's about to throw up. Invest in a bucket.
Hey when you get home, can you do me a solid and throw one of your pregnancy tests on my bed?
EPT or First Response?
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