i looked at dads computer and apparently he was looking at job ads on craigslist and the only one clicked that turned purple said "GET PAID TO MASTURBATE"
lets put it this way..we'd win on tool academy
All I want to do right now is burp, puke, and fart. In that order.
My lack of memory is directly related to being friends with you.
I caught him with his head in the spinach bag this morning. He was laughing demonically saying, "i love spinach, yes I do."
being a senior sucks, I just started embracing my inner slutty college girl, and it's almost time to put her away...for like, ever. and i really like her.
ASS. GYMANSTICS. OLYMPICS. NOW!!!
I'm offering you baseball tickets and my vagina, isn't that enough?
BEHOLD THE MORNING PIGEON
SANCTIFY THE CHALK TADPOLE
THERE IS NO SOBRIETY. ONLY ZUUL.
The woman that sang I Touch Myself died today. There's only one appropriate way to honor her memory.
I'm on the job.
she pointed to my dick and said you are going to save the world
My vagina has a heartbeat. That means I'm in love, right?
i am rolling on molly so fucking hard i want to do 300 cartwheels
Things were going really well until his cousin showed up. She told him I look kind of like his mom, which started a ten-minute debate on my and his mother's specific features, and ultimately, who is prettier. Guess who my date picked.
I feel awkward having to tell people “sorry you can’t finger me because I will get a UTI and I don’t have health insurance”
Randomize
