The homeless ppl in LA are great. Theres sum guy that makes all of his clothes out of tighty whitey underwear. He makes bags out of them 2. Presumably 2 hold more underwear.
The hospital said it would be 'irresponsible' for them to allow people to book stomach pumps.
If you don't remember anything tomorrow, this is to remind you that you asked me in secret to build a bobsled with you and re-enact Cool Runnings.
composition of my stomach right now: 60% C8H10N4O2 * H2O (coffee), 20% CaCO3 (pepto bismol/tums), 10% HCl (stomach acid), 5% fried rice, 5% residual adderall. i can do that by percent mass too. fuck you finals.
I even tried crushing up viagra and putting it in his beer... And the next day he found the package on the counter. I told him it was for my friends husband.
'lets look at pictures of your friend's new baby' was probably the worst post-sex idea we've ever had
Wow i don't think I've had to send this many texts apologizing for my behavior since high school...
I'm a hopeless romantic that likes rough sex. Judge me
Why are there so many fucking Lambchop puppets hidden around my house?!
sweating bourbon at client mtg -- you?
for some reason leaving your socks onmakes it less meaningful.
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
I will find, mount, and marry that person.
He had a small dick and screamed "I will kill you if you don't get hard" to it in German...awkward time to have to explain I speak German too...
This is why you need to stop sleeping with freshmen.
And then she grabbed my dick and started singing 'ring ring ring ring banana phone'
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