god, you should never be in the FBI. you'd give away america's secrets to any boy who asked.
Fuck 8am classes
Dear Jesus I'm gonna throw up through my eyes
Is it appropriate to get drunk, stand up at the wedding and make a toast to "the time the lovely bride asked me to come on her chest"?
our generation is not ready to get married
I really hope our interview with channel 6 last night doesn't air or else my parents are gona get a first hand look at my alcohol problem
If I die I am blaming you for not answering to tell me the proper dosage of horse tranquilizers to take
I told him we couldn't hang out because I had strep, he said he's had it once so he couldn't get it again. The sex isn't worth this level of stupidity
If I was gonna be at your campus for halloween weekend, I'd dress up as the masked horny fairy and give out condoms. I'm so thoughtful.
i dont know whats worse..that i woke up in a gorilla suit or that its covered in peanut butter
So I'll bring my machete and we can smoke your shit.
Out of context, that is a hilariously scary message.
Nothing more ironic than raw dogging some random Asian hottie last night and then doing the walk of shame home from her place mixed in with the participants of the AIDS walk
Someone called asking about the gate code and I said "hashtag" for # instead of "pound." Ugh. I feel so dirty.
the best part is that i get to keep the pot plants and he still has my name tattooed on his ass
i was really depressed when i left the health dept this morning after i had to write a higher number next to "partners" than "age"
Nothing like an afternoon walk of shame across campus on parent's weekend. Damn.
You got drunk, made toast, and declared yourself a domestic goddess.
Randomize
