So it turns out the white chocolate in the bathroom is actually soap
please quote me on this- the only thing worse than being ugly is being ugly and thinking that you're pretty
I feel fat after drinking my meal replacement shake.
I added chocolate sauce, a bsg of m&ms and a crushed up brownie to make it taste better.
I denied three guys and puked everywhere because I love you.
I woke up with $100 in my pocket and I was so excited until I found an atm receipt for a $500 withdrawal. Not as exciting.
Apparently I mistakenly called the hair club for men at 3am... they called me back this morning.
Apparently I also called my credit card company to demand a credit limit increase. I'm so content with not drinking another 60 days
Do you think the neighbors will know I was the one giving out the penis shaped lollipops to the children?
Ive waited a long time for a girl with prescriptions like yours.
That was obviously his first time talking dirty. He called my vagina "pretty"
She insisted on cleaning her room in the dark. 5 minutes in, she forgot what she was doing and started putting shirts on instead of hanging them up.
He was on top and as he finished he yelled "I love gold" , so yeah I'm seeing him later tonight
I behisseth at your soul from the deepest darkest depths of the earth
Eating breakfast at 1:30 in the afternoon stark naked is how everyone should live
I'm disgusted with myself. Who goes down on their Uber driver? This asshole
Randomize
