Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
I dont think problem is the right word. Problems arent something you enjoy. Life would be too boring without gambling.
She really thought E.D. was a sexually position.
she just uttered the sweetest sentence in the english language...my stripper friends are coming over
wanna go with us to feed the ducks bread soaked in vodka?
how could i say no?
she's a kindergarten teacher now. The teacher desks are the perfect height for fucking. I'm delaying the break up a few weeks.
Just peed on my foot. Thank you Sunday hangovers.
there is no excuse for drinking mascato in your room alone while listening to one-hit wonders from the 90s
There's an old guy having a conversation with his penis in the bathroom right now.
I had to convince someone last night that the fact that he couldn't get me off wasn't him it was me and to clarify I had to tell him there was only. One person that got me off every time without fail, he said "that guy is my hero" you should be proud
On the 3rd day, she mixed sangria and orange juice and saw that it was good.
Ok. I'll enjoy the quiet (translation: I might be naked, call ahead if you come home tonight)
Of course I'll be there. I never miss an opportunity to smell like cigarettes, cheap beer, and shame.
Oh my god I would go to planned parenthood the same day I get my nipples pierced
My sobriety has gotten out of control. I think I need an intervention.
Randomize
