I had a dream last night that I had to pretend I liked Dave Matthews Band to impress this girl I was talking to.
I guess it was more of a nightmare.
This is the last time I call a hotel to see if you or some random guy paid for the room last night.
he said the way to his heart was through his stomach, i told him if he wanted to eat my food he had to eat my kitty
smooth operator
My boyfriend just sent me flowers. I am now crying at the fact i fucked my fat neighbor. God please help me.
Best part of failing a semester of college: not having to buy books next semester. I can drink to that
its like what part of i just threw up mcdonalds breakfast means i want to make out with you?
no one was sober enough to set up jenga so we just threw the pieces at the last person to drink
Imma do me. And by that, I mean I'm going to walk across campus still drunk at 9am on a Tuesday.
It's a toss up. They'll either laugh and watch you drunkenly fuck on the beach or they'll throw you deep in Mexican jail.
I know my whole body feels like I belly flopped onto concrete. Seriously need to tone it down for a while
Hey! Where are you? It's Irrisponsible Patio time and you're not here firing shots down summer student's throats
If I could run through a field of Reece's and Oreos, dive off a milkfall into a bowl of cereal. My Life would complete.
Is using cherry lube as jam shameful or hilarious
It's been THREE DAYS. Why do I still have the munchies?!
he was just sitting there in his underwear... and his chewbacca mask...
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