Nailed a drunk college girl before the CU game Saturday, and a drunk married woman after the Broncos game Sunday.
Some perfection is debatable.
he stopped mid-fuck to ask me how my day was....
For his 21st I'm getting a fancy hotel that way he can at least sleep in a nice bathtub
Miss Michigan hasn't even been Miss USA for 24hrs and already stripper pole pics are surfacing. Classy.
woke up holding a soft boiled egg cup and empty bottle of rum. apparently i couldn't find a shot glass
In her drunkenness, she packed a bag with tequila, two shot glasses, salt, a knife, and two pears. She was prepared but too high to distinguish pears from limes.
Chipotle. Because when you've had diarrhea for 6 days why not just make it 7
Now he's crying and asking for 'the cameras' to come out. The one cop is laughing
I just set a reminder on my phone to get star spangled hammered this weekend.
I'm just going to eat my milkshake, watch teen wolf, masturbate, and lament my inability to form meaningful relations with men who aren't gay
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
don't bring your nerd jargon into this conversation about my naked body
I'm trying to secure Christmas dick. Idgaf if he has strep or not.
I admire the fact that you replicated my apartment on the roof but I would appreciate it more if you would move all my stuff off the roof and back into my apartment.
because nothing says “let’s fucking rage” like getting a compensation letter and some company stock
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