You know that restaurant that is like over by home depot?
That shitty one? I heard the food sucks there
It's my parent's restaurant
Do you remember getting into a Delorean last night?
Haha na a cat just ran under your car. Howd that happen?
Probably a woman cat. Doesnt think things through
i just realized i've been trying to levitate the potatoe chip out of her hand for the past ten minutes. i think i smoked to much.
I can only name 15 people I've had sex with - can I just start claiming that as my sex number?
He chucked my pickle at the bouncer. Fucker, I wanted that.
You should never talk to him again. Unless its you knocking on the door and punching his dick.
I need to shower, but I have no shower curtain... I think I can get by with a whore bath and a hat for one more day.
i got a standing ovation for bringing skittles to the party
All my interactions with my brother are drug deals at this point
No, just kidding. But your faith in me to throw a lesbian bridal shower makes me think I an pull it off. To the LGBT bar!
She says the reason I don't talk to her is because I'm "emotionally lazy" what ever that means
You know it’s going to be a rough day when you scream “Get fucked” at your alarm clock
The next time you invite me out to a bar full of cougars warn me first. I never felt like a piece of meat before.
Good, but still not as good as the guy I banged in the ball crawl
Randomize
