And if you don't call me, I will embarrass you publicly with a can of spray cheez.
so i don't know how many beers it takes to make a recliner look like a toilet, but that's how many i had.
I come back into the room and you're grinding with the person in the mascot suit.
I had something called a trashcan. Never again. I almost fucked chewbacca.
I mean how do you tell a nurse in the ER that you dislocated your knee giving a blowjob to your boyfriend.
Very innocently.
I'm sorry you couldn't sneak away today. You're the only guy I'm fucking that I can talk with about the other guys I'm fucking, and I need some advice
Why is hotel staff askin about the blood in our room
Now I can't say for certain but I'm 90 percent are I bathed myself with dog shampoo last night
You held an empty wine bottle to your head and declared yourself the "wine unicorn." For the rest of the night you galloped everywhere and whenever anyone refused to be a wine unicorn with you, you tried to spear them with the bottle.
Let's be honest I'm gonna watch murder she wrote and eat taquitos at three am
You got me 4 pizzas and i just saw this. I'm too drunk for this shit. I just yelled "4 pizzas holy shit!" At the pizza dude
JUST DENIED A NEW YEARS KISS BECAUSE HE WAS A COWBOYS FAN.
You told his date she had the tits to be a stripper and the personality to be the pole. Of course he's pissed off.
Based on the conversation I'm going to assume you didn't close the deal.
It started going awry when I fell through a roof.
I really need to stop turning to the BDSM dungeon masters of tinder whenever my heart hurts
Randomize
