I heard we made out
All I did today at work was try to remember in vivid detail what your cock looks like.
She's never had brie before last night, don't know if I can date a girl that doesn't like soft cheeses.
Dude the animal human society told us we could get a dog when we came back sober. I cant wait.
Drinking vodka and pirating music in the library. Welcome to finals week.
Hi this is the guy from the cell phone store. Your Dad just upgraded your phone as a surprise. I didn't tell him about your topless pics on your phone. I transfered them to new phone. Nice rack!
I JUST WATCHED PAULA DEEN PUT BUTTER IN HER BLOODY MARY. This is not a drill. Real life.
I almost had to fight a bird, and you know how scared I am of birds. It found that Percocet that I lost in the grass last week, I threw out my back when I launched myself at that little fucker.
His flight is delayed. Mother Nature is delaying me from sex.
If this were a real emergency kilted men wielding claymores and riding giant badgers would hve rescued said Guinness. So clearly this is just a hypothetical
I'm the only person who goes to break up a friends with benefits and comes out with a boyfriend
In other news, I woke up still drunk and I think I literally just broke the Guinness book of world records for most bloody Mary's in one day...
We need to catch up immediately. I took ecstasy and made out with carrot face this weekend.
I left him naked in his bed. I did cover his junk with a blanket in case his roommate walked in later though. so I don't feel as bad about it.
Cover for me. Stopped at Chris’ for a quickie. Broke a high heel and there’s jizz all over my black dress. Fuck pornstars for making workday sex look easy
Randomize
