I left a bag of circus animal cookies in my car all day. they melted together into on giant cookie. this could either be the best or worst thing ever
Where's the Hot Mess Express headed tonight?
I hope that's not the new nickname for my friends and me.
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
i have my own cum on my nose right now. don't talk to me about "embarrassed".
Oddly enough when I decided to stop whoreing myself out... I lost most of my companionship.
Breakfast-of-shame with my mother. I was in half of a sexy Mad Hatter costume. We had artisan bagels and judgement.
Excuse me while I download incredibly disturbing porn until I'm more ashamed of myself than of my country.
All I know, is I had green sex and beer and got driven home. That's it.
I just heard your voicemail. Glad you like my dick and think I'm cool
Just because you have put things in my vagina does not mean you know me
You tell anyone I'm rocking out to Pitbull in an economy, base-model car, I'll kill you.
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
I woke up to a bum peeing outside my window, and he said, "This is embarrassing for you."
So uh. Your future in porn. Would you be willing to wear an alien costume for it?
Puked up breakfast after doing my first minze shot in a while, but that shot was to Trump losing the election, so it's all good.
Randomize
