Note to self: when drunk try to remember that ctrl, alt and dance doesnt exist on a keyboard.
I just want you to know I tipped the cab driver $10 last night because I felt bad that he didn't have healthcare.
no. the fact that it's halloween completely overrides the fact that it's sunday. youre going out whether im dragging your boring ass or not.
It's just a matter of time. The ball is in my court. Soon to be in her mouth.
I walked out of the store holding my face and a lady pulled her daughter away from me as I then threwup in the parking lot
They just kept handing me shots and saying welcome to college
Fuck at this point id do just about anything for 20 bucks
That has been your downfall in past encounters with 20 dollars bills
I don't text first unless I'm hammered...so ya I text first a lot
She is the absolute last thing I would want to screw. Honestly. Fellating a porcupine. Higher on the list.
You called me to pick you up from the bar at 9:00. When we drove over the speed bumps you put your hands in the air and pretended you were on a roller coaster.
I am going to buy some m-80's and keep a bucket of them in the bathroom. That way I can just depth charge the toilet before each time I use it. Lets see how those snakes like cheap Chinese explosives
It's truly amazing how much porn I can get in while my phones at 1% battery life.
I should not be allowed to be in possession of a fifth and a phone at the same time.
George disappeared two hours ago with a stripper named "delicious." Haven't seen him since
we had sex while we waited for the thai food... a which will come first type of situation
Randomize
