Remember that dream I told you about where I shit out my own skeleton? I had it again last night.
he was in the bathroom singing "will it floooaaat?? will it floooaaat?!" turns out that's a deal breaker for me.
And then he asked me why the subtitles were in Arabic. The television was off.
I was more traumatized by the table collapsing while i was going down on you.
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Well, I was going to ask you what happened to all my lipstick. Until I saw the giant red penis on my living room wall.
Woke up with a chicken parm sandwich in my clutch. Aaaand I'm eating it.
I don't remember its real name, I just call it the Harrison Ford Cush after that idea with the Indiana Jones mask. I should just get high and sell people my ideas for their Halloween costumes all the time. I'd make a fucking fortune.
You texted me 'I am the leopard prince', with a series of pictures of you posing in what seemed like cat poses. you were not "a little bit" drunk dude..
The video of him doing the dougie made me telling him I didn't want a relationship, just his virginity so much easier.
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I got back from work this morning after working the night shift to find an NFL player scaling the side of our apartment...from your window. He just took sneaking out to all new level. Care to explain?
I think that about sums it up, actually.
Just had my first american. He tasted like freedom.
Can we table this discussion? The roommate is out of town and I have to eat pie on the couch in my underwear.
She broke up with me. I guess I was in the most chaste lesbian relationship in the history of the world and had no idea.
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
Ever find a porn video so groundbreaking you mentally cancel all your Dick Appointments for the week?
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