WHY CAN'T YOU EVER SHIT LIKE A NORMAL PERSON, JESSE.
i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
I was drunk at peters. now im drunk at my apartment. and hungry. but mcdonalds is broken. wtf
she said "the two best ways to sober up are to nurse someone or give a blowjob" and im gonna go along with it.
she wants to wait til the kids are asleep so im just shotgunning the parents beers in the pillow fort. I love fucking babysitters
In case you were wondering, taking me to see beauty and the beast in theaters would totally get you an unsolicited sloppy beej in the parking lot afterwards.
You should probably take note of that and make it happen.
Donald Trump and I would be so adorably orange together!
Is it too early to start pregaming for St. Patty's?
Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice and I'm the idiot missing half an eyebrow again.
"he sent me a picture of a puppy in return for a picture of my boobs. He then captioned it with "look it's puppies first time at the beach". "
Hmmm... I thought we agreed as a group we make our last stand in Philly...
I don't wanna go out like that. Covered in melted cheese smelling like a sewer rat...
I accidentally told my mom I broke my drug nail this weekend
He showed me a picture of his family on Instagram and his dad was my Sugar Daddy. ABORT.
This is the best 30th birthday ever. In a Motel 6 drinking a shower beer and sending slow-mo dick helicopter videos to you.
I just want to find somebody intelligent enough to trick my parents into thinking she's not a trophy wife. Is that too much to ask?
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