ignore voicemail. the cock hath been unblocked.
Our hot neighbor just came over and asked for a toilet plunger...not so hot anymore
no one should ever give us hovercrafts
wanna go with us to feed the ducks bread soaked in vodka?
how could i say no?
People Are Arguing Over This Guy’s Petty Reaction To Splitting Lunch With His Co-Worker
I just realized my mom and I make the same noises when we have sex. Fuck.
I just took a shit with a lightsaber in my hand. Dreams fulfilled.
Im sitting in church with a backpack full of beer bottles. This is friendship.
His penis is small and he doesnt like Harry Potter. HE HAS NO REDEEMING QUALITIES WHAT AM I EVEN DOING HERE
In two unrelated events today I have had frostbite on my toe and cum up my nose. Who says life stops when you get married?
Girl Logs Into Twitter Only To Find Out Her Dad Is Trending For The Most Outrageous Reason
I should have listened to my dad and mean girls... If you have sex you'll get pregnant and die.
Just because I stayed up all night betting on Australian Horse Racing doesn't mean I have a gambling program.
I'm watching Netflix with my cats and eating homemade bread. Everyone and everything can go and fuck itself.
You carved your initals into all my vitamins and said "now a small part of me will be in you every morning" before you fell asleep with my thong on your head.
I like that you're more concerned about how I would find the time to clone you, than the fact that I have your blood.
When I meet her I'm going to have to resist the urge of saying "hey! We're Eskimo sisters!"