I just threw up, I'm either bulemic or pregnant, and I'm now accepting bets on which it is
I didn't have a rubber, but my dick had a date with a clorox wipe after we finished. I think I'm in the clear.
I making dinner, so you might want to actually come home tonight.
oh, you finally did the dishes then?
No, bought new ones.
Unemployment check just came in. As soon as I stop pretending I have morals I'm buying weed. Puff puff pass uncle sam.
23 Crazy Psychological Tricks You Have To Try on Someone RIGHT NOW
I just hate that one day I'll have to tell our children how we met, makes me look like a gold digging whore
Are the homeless actually allowed to bathe in fountains located on Main Street in downtown Houston? Can Houston TX be so progressive as to condone public bathing?
He referred to our sex as being similar to "Two cheetahs cage fighting" and I have to agree.
Yeah when we were together he never sent me dick pics like a normal boyfriend. It was always pizzas. That should've been my sign.
My Canadian brought me three bottles of maple syrup, a sunflower, and a pair of Oakleys back to the states...he's either drunk or he loves me
These 25 People Forgave their Significant Others for Saying Stupid Things
No no no he wouldn't talk to me before I showed his best friend how good I am at twerking
I'm smoking pot with a man in a pink suit, size 15 wide shoes who bought his bowl from a place called Chinese Bling Bling while I'm dressed as a unicorn drinking pumpkin beer
Yeah. That's the shitty part. God, I don't want to be a step mom. Sure I'm great with kids, but I just want unlimited sex and not have to worry about making friends with a fucking 7 year old.
I slept naked last night on stolen pillows. I felt like a golden goddess.
sometimes you just have to listen to beyonce and cry. that's how life works
Its like the floor is slow but life is fast?
I see you found the nyquil...