It was laundry day and I was wearing last xmas undies. he took one look and went...you's a ho, ho, ho. my response you ask? for less dough, dough, dough. I'm a slut.
with a sacreligious after taste.
Do you think people stop being hipsters when they're naked? because that's what my research shows.
i've never been more proud of someone than i was when he told me he got his first blowjob at age 13...from two chicks
You'd think with all the porn he watches he'd be a little better at this...
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i don't know how the hand towel got involved, but i peed all over it
yeah, that's what i said too. right before i tackled that street sign.
Please tell me why there is some girl tied to our toilet?
now that you've tased me I refuse to buy you flowers
I don't care if there's a party or not. I just want to be half naked in a cape with a never-ending supply of alcohol within arm's length at all times. Make it happen.
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We should probably go now, otherwise the whores will descend.
official rule: if your drunk, it doesn't count
then nothing in my life counts
I'm about to get my nails done. Would the polish name "meet me at the altar" be too straight forward for a first date?
I woke up completely naked with the exception of my leg warmers. Last night must have been interesting.
Literally told everyone you're my idol cause you ate a chicken nugget off a sword
Jesus Christ, it's not like going swimming. You don't have to wait 20 minutes after you eat to suck a dick