He jizzed my face. I had to ask for a washcloth. He ran his underwear under the water and handed them to me. Not so romantic.
Just walked pass a bum on the way to a coinstar... awkward
The plus side of face planted at the tailgate was that no one could see my nipples hanging out.
Is it awkward to ask someone I've slept with to officiate my wedding?
Thursday nights need to stop happening to me.
He is now tagging himself in my pics from last year where he is barely visable in the corner. i feel like he's marking his territory.
I could only remember yelling "rip it down" as he ninja jumped off the bed, kicked the wall, and superman punched the fire alarm off the ceiling.
I've always wondered why you never put the hotel room in your name...
Only you would have to block the fucking governor of Tennessee from reading your tweets
We exchanged snapchat usernames instead of numbers. Is that what America has come to?
the problem is i have six tabs of acid in my freezer and no self control
How the fuck can he download so much porn but not know how to find the Skype app?
Accomplishment of the day: changing my tampon at 38,000 ft with turbulence. Fasten seatbelt sign was definitely on.
I'm sitting here with a heating pad and a fan on me eating snow caps off of my boobs
Found a pic on my phone from last night. You're drunk. Arm wrestling some guy. In the bar bathroom. At a baby changing station. It's my new wallpaper.
Dude, Kevin called the cops on the cops.
Randomize
