oh. my. god. the guy i hooked up with last night is currently wearing a dress.
Sex on bubble wrap = best decision ever.
This girl I work with, who is 18 btw, invited me to her baby shower. Do they sell abortions in gift certificate form?
I really wish I didn't have to wear pants this is ridiculous
The stripper from Delilahs paid the desk clerk to find out my room #. Either Im doin something very right or she's doing it worng.
ugh i can't even wear this perfume anymore. it just brings back blurry memories of blowjobs and regret.
Just promise me we won't die tonight. I can't have an autopsy report that reads "stomach contents: Tequila and semen."
nobody understands how my tooth became embedded in the ceiling last night.
I'm in too deep with Breaking Bad. I realized I've altered my Tinder likes to people that either look like Jesse or work in a school's Science department.
We had to go. She called the bartender a thundercunt.
First night in my new apartment and I threw up in front of my neighbors door. Starting off this relationship strong.
PLEASE HELP ME THE AMERICANS ARE YELLING ABOUT TURKEY, I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO
I was very impressed with his ability to carry on a conversation with his friends sitting in the front seat with his hand in my pants, getting a hand job, stoned, with a cigarette in his mouth. I think he's a keeper.
The playlist was "songs to sing in the shower". I literally got fucked to Footloose.
I've been eaten out in coupes, sedans, trucks, suv's, you name it. If I can do it in a smart car, you can do it in a vw beetle.
I knew you were the expert on doing it in public. You need to get paid for your advise
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