maybe i would like her more if 99% of her sentences didn't start with "yesterday when i was reading twilight..."
When I came home you were watching infomercials, eating croutons out of the box and salsa from a funnel. Well done.
Is it bad that I see a party full of girls I know he has fucked as a challenge for me to be the one who ends up in his bed?
Have your arms or hands ever gone numb after drinking too much?
Wtf did you do last night?
I've taken a shot every five minutes for the past twenty. His valentines cupcakes are going to be a fucking delicious vodka induced mess. Thinking about putting vodka in this next batch. I'm the best girlfriend.
That is was cool to fuck the single mother accross the street until every girl i bring home gets the car keyed.
It was a great idea until we got stuck in a ditch. We had to call redneck cousin 1
I just realized I haven't had a date or a potential possibility of a date in about a year. Then I realized I wanted to actually go on a date. But I'm sitting here getting high instead of being at a party. Life.
Whiskey chased with ice cubes? Here's a big FUCK THAT to that
My neck is PURPLE. This is NOT a good day to be indoctrinated by the cardinal...
You also once spent an entire hour explaining the origin of the strip steak to me.
I asked her if she could eat some Doritos so when we made out it would taste awesome
First thing I find in the car I just pick up from my grandpa? A discount card for the strip club down the road from his apartment. The force is still strong.
I love how encouraging you are, but I need you to stop me when the guy I'm going home with is a dead ringer for Nick Cage.
I just thought you should know that you should be proud of your dick. It's pretty much perfect. Just, ya know, by the way.
Randomize
