my mom heard me say 'don't squirt that at me' while me & him were in my room. She then decided to call my aunt and complain to her that she has the sluttiest daughter in town. she refused to believe me when i told her i was talking about gel.
I'm with your mom on this one.
When we were fucking, you could hear the beer sloshing around in my stomach
college "breaks" should be renamed "reminder why you left your hell hole of a life in the first place"
You kept excitedly announcing to the bar what time it was. Followed by an equally excited "Clock language still makes sense!"
If him repeating sorry while thrusting isn't makeup sex than I don't know what else is
buying my parents vodka for Christmas is like buying a normal person socks.
You're gonna die alone anyway. Even if you do meet a man, they die earlier than women. Best case, you have to deal with grieving over his death and then die alone a couple years later. Worst case, you get a terminal illness and he divorces you, leaving you to die alone anyway.
Thanks, mom.
I think we should bring back the casual nipple tassel
All of the hungover. I've changed not showered but can't quite make it to the booze.
WE'RE IN THE RED ZONE PLAY THRU THE PAIN
My dad sent me a 10 ft beer bong and my mom sent me ideas for future careers. I'll let you guess who my favorite parent is. Also, come over tonight. and bring beers.
In the last six hours i have procured a free sandwich, watched three movies, and came to orgasm. If that isn't productivity then i don't know what is.
Nothing like sunday church bells to aid your walk to the pharmacy to get plan b
I woke up with a chicken in my yard
Do you not remember hopping the fence into a chicken coop and screaming "choot em'"like you were on swamp people?
No recollection, can you come help me shut this thing up
Who put the toilet in the living room? This is extremely inconvenient right now.
Who in their right mind would frost a cake with their butt?
Randomize
