He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
as veruca salt said, "i want it now!"
uhh im not your indulgent father, stoned and im in the middle of making tacos. right now, tacos win
yeah my mom told me she knows when i come home high because i use my turn signal while turning into the driveway...
At the T-Rex bar with my nephew...only in Disney can I have a beer and a soda at the bar with a 4 year old
It took us hanging out like four times to kiss. Id like to fuck you before I'm 30
Is asking my 8-year-old brother if he will make us shot glasses in his ceramics class too far?
If I ever die and svu has to come to my murder scene make sure they know I don't wear underwear always so it might not be as bad as they think
I'm going to die alone in my chair and get eaten by my cat. That kind of break up.
Why are your underwear on my dining room table?
I know we said we never would. But try fucking a fat guy. He put in so much more effort and then made me waffles.
We were fucking in the boat on the lake when another boat saw us and honked their appreciation.
he told me that he only likes small dogs. I should have known he was going to end up being little bitch.
I also tried to hide a bottle of vodka in a build a bear last night so that something that happened in my life
I learned the hard way a garbage bag will not save you when jumping from a tree at 2am
As your boyfriend, I'm gonna congratulate you on winning that fist fight. But as a cop, I have to tell you to not do that again.
Randomize
