thus making me awesome and them whores
So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
im pretty sure every drug dealer is going to be able to retire the day after alice in wonderland comes out
Sleepwalking naked until I was 12 made it so much easier to get away with drinking at moms now.
First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...
I feel like I should come with a warning like "Orgasm free since 1983"
the cops who came hadnt heard yet. when we told them they sang the star spangled banner with us
Guess who just screamed "Everything happens for a reason!!" in the abortion clinic. This girl.
If you've ever wanted to get filthy in a Catholic church before 2 on a Wednesday, I might be your guy.
I'm stoned as hell watching the new Star Trek movie. My life is 110% better than it was an hour ago.
WHY DID I MAKE A 7 minute video of me eating crackers and cheese when I was high
Send it to me
you never keep up with shots anymore
I'm trying to be more responsible these days
you fucking tried to take your pants off and pee in Taco Bell's parking lot
FUCKIN BIRDS ARE CHIRPING AT 4 IN THE MORNING. THE SUN ISN'T RISING YET MOTHERFUCKERS, GO BACK TO YOUR NESTS.
Where are you? Where am I? Why am I so red?
She was sitting on the couch in his tux jacket...no pants, eating cold vegetable lasagna. Yet I'm the weirdo?
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