I spent all day at the mall with her, then she made me actually watch a walk to remember then decided to tell me she was on her period. This one is either really crafty or I am really desperate.
Sure, fine. Daughter just told me she is not a virgin anymore. I am gonna start drinking now
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawn mower thinking of you
Today the house voted to defund Planned Parenthood but to continue funding NASCAR. I fucking hate everything.
Well, practice makes perfect. Let's start playing Eye of the Tiger and do a blowjob training montage.
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
oh wow I have been there. Hell one time Matt and I woke up naked with pizza rolls in the bed.
So his mom walked in the kitchen while I was sucking him off and just casually suggested that "I'd need a glass of water after that"
Sorry about all of the penis things that happened last night.
I wish I could have seen the drive thru woman's face after " May I please have 20 Mcflurrys.....and a large diet coke, I'm trying to watch my weight for bikini season."
A particularly funny moment you may have missed; you walked in to the basement to announce that whoever was cooking sausages had left them on the grill for Hella long, only to be told that you were in fact the person grilling. At which point you just said, "the sausages are done" and walked out
Doing coke by yourself isn't as fun. Even when you're watching a James Franco movie.
Does your drug dealer have a printer I can use??
We need to borrow someone's dog. Just so we can non-creepily go to PetSmart and watch all the other dogs take photos with Santa
Have you ever wanted to murder the Sun? To bring the life-giving fusion reactor to a bitter end because of the sheer agony it brings to your eyes as it keeps you awake. And for waking the birds. Fuck birds.
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