I want to make a zoo with you.
theyre doing shots to celebrate her boob jobs anniversary.
I'm outside your house...sorry I feel like I don't need formal invites anymore.
I just used my 7th grade year book to figure out who I hooked up with last night. Being home is magical.
Dude give me 4 good reasons we shouldn't trade girlfriends tonight
Why can't I live in a world where my only 2 options are rum bikini hot tub party or masturbating?
Being the only woman in a triathlon group - it's a penis paradise.
Do you know what the cost code is for strip clubs? I'm filling out my company expense report right now
He said I showed up in just my underwear and a bunch of towels I stole from the party I was at.
There was a selfie of you in the dark pointing at the camera with a duck face. You sent it to my 60 year old mother with the caption "you behave"
How was the picnic?
We played softball, except our team sucked. In one hand was a mitt, the other a beer.
Why didn't you put them down?
No beer left behind.
Leave it to me to pull up my boyfriend’s grandfather’s obituary just to find out the name of his sister.
He wore a t-shirt that had an arrow pointing to his crotch and "DO IT FOR THE VINE" on it.
At least he's honest about how long he'll last.
Is it awkward to pay for your boob job with scholarship money? Either way, it's happening.
He ate me out on the front lawn of the post office. The people in the office across the road definitely got a show!
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