I need a shot of tequila, and quick death
smoking a bowl while I'm peeing. i love having a big dick.
Just finished texting the 27th male name in my phone that i don't recognize. none of them were the hott kid i made out with last night. the search continues.
He gave me a promise ring. He promised that he will imagine me as every girl he fucks in college.
I just figured out, there are 9 children in this world that I can look at in the face and say "I fucked your mom."
...She was shooting whiskey using a turkey baster...i was horrified.
Mom just posted ur drunk pix from Cancun in the newly made "My not-so-fantastic son" album. Thought you should know.
don't tell me about being eco-friendly. i just threw up in the same bag i bought my liquor in. RECYCLING
I feel like every picture I upload of him on facebook where you can see his purity ring, I should make the caption "something in this picture does not belong"
At second job interview this week. Wearing pants to hide pole dancing bruises. This my life.
One day soon I'll learn the difference between a good high and way too high. Today is not the day.
This German chick looked me up and down for a while. Then she grabbed my crotch, let go after a few seconds, and said "you vill do". I think I'm gonna like tonight.
I tired using vodka to remove my makeup
I just talked with someone about real estate trends in Atlanta then got three blowjobs in a row. Boom.
My new plan is to whip out my titties when they arrive. Maybe they won’t notice that I broke the couch fucking my boss...
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