you dont want to live with me, im always naked, a chronic masturbator, a bit of a voyeur and will likely touch you while you sleep. ps- i can pick locks
its not a holiday until ive ruined the family picture because im drunk
Gave a homeless guy 3 bucks earlier. Just saw him at the bar. He bought one beer and left. Happy to see my 3 dollars was well spent
I had to break up with him he didn't understand my priorities. I'm sorry but Saturday nights are for pot and Doctor Who. I'm not going to change who I am.
My goal for tonight is to swipe my debit card through those weird rolls on the back of a big bald guy's head.
The upside of a losing football weekend is that there are more sad frat boys willing to let loose their inner gay man.
I was just hotboxing under my sheets and I got lost on the way out.
It was so scary.
The cops spotted my on my walk of shame down the boardwalk and gave me a ride home. I'm starting to make a name for myself here.
this place is dumb. no one understands my Sunday morning alcoholism here.
Observations from Vegas: #1. Strippers pasties pose a choking hazard. #2. Best. Heimlich. Ever.
If I don't singlehandedly make your gf realize she needs to straighten the fuck up or ruin your relationship before I leave I have failed you as a friend.
YOU RAISED A SWORD OVER YOUR HEAD AND SCREAMED AT HIM WHAT THE FUCK ELSE DID YOU THINK WOULD HAPPEN?!
He puked all over the side of the car and the head rest behind him...and then all he said was "America."
who knew being a fake dominatrix could be so fun?
Cancel your plans for the fourth someone is streaming iron chef on twitch
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