you're just mad because in the hogwarts world I'm Harry and you're Ron. get over it.
I think I should become a real estate agent in th friend zone I know the place so well
she said she was gay. i said prove it. she said "ok i wont fuck you"
Nope. Can't afford girlfriends. Still looking for the 25 year old bisexual tripled who owns a brewery or a casino.. the search continues....
Had dinner with my ex husband. The box of wine is gone and I'm laying on the floor in my wedding dress. Where are you?!
I think ill wear my dads dashiki but make it sluttier. We shall see
i got her number while she was sitting next to her boyfriend. her actual number. i might be a superhero
Apparently he crashed because 3 different girls were trying to give him road head at the same time.
Oh okay. That's fine. I'll buy us both dinner when you bail me out
It's a post jail date
Anyways enough about genital fatigue...
hooked up with him and then had a conversation with his ex about how we hate people who hook up with our exs...
Remember when we thought adulthood would be different than college?
It is different. We had hopes and dreams back then. Now we're just alcoholics.
dad says come back and get the lawn mower out of the pool before mom gets home
You offered him a “Sorry I Blew Your Brother” Blowjob. How does that make it right?
I promised him it would be better than the one I gave his brother which is really nice of me since their actually only half brothers and his brother is cuter
My Dachshund waddled into the room carrying a rolled-up pad in her mouth with period blood. This day is clearly off to a good start.
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