I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
I have no idea who these bands are he's listening to. If his current playlist was a pandora station, however, it would be titled "music for closet cock gobblers"
He fingered me while we both sang the fresh prince theme song.
Marry him
my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
I would just watch. I wouldn't even have a boner cuz I would do so much coke. It would just be funny.
Let's play a little game of "Last Night Never Happened"
He told me to put on my big boy pants, then take them off and fuck her before he smacks me with a chair. His pep talks suck.
before the moonshine you were already braiding the bouncers beard -_-
The cops raided her house the day before class even started
Those assholes are becoming so efficient
I worked so hard to shave everything last night. EVERYTHING. He WILL be answering my phone calls. Otherwise he's passing up awesome random birthday sex.
She called it a palate cleanser. She and her friend dike it out once a year before returning to dick
Together or do they pick up? How far do they go? IS AN AUDIENCE PERMITTED? GODAMIT ANSWERS MAN!!!!!!
This girl is wasted dancing to The Final Countdown. She's grinding on a guy who came to the bar in a track jacket and a wife beater
Just saw the mall santa roll by on a rascal scooter holding a chic-fil-a milkshake and stop to chat up trio of cute 20-somethings. New hero.
I told you you to bring something to share....you brought tequila and a condom
I'm in my onesie attempting to spoon-feed myself cold soup. I'm playing freeze tag with my hangover. My hangover's winning.
Randomize
