i just renamed my vag "the sorting hat"
You told me you were allowed to keep eating butter because it had just passed midnight and you were on the next day's daily fat servings
I'm way to drunk for this play. I'm about to run up on stage and drop the main character
Yes I was being legit. That's the only plant I want in my house. A growing penis.
I have to date her. We need a place to stay when we go tailgating.
I can't decide if the sex was so good I couldn't move, or if it was me being loaded on all the morphine that they shot me up with at the ER.
I'm on the struggle bus
just ordered a number 1 at a fast food restaurant that doesn't have numbers
I think Vodka is my favorite. Everything else ties for second.
I need a hug and tequila
I'm sitting next to a milk crate full of tequila right now
This is why we need to live in the same city again
Everyone was in the walk-in getting high, and I had to be all cool. Serving soup and salads. Night manager status doesn't pay enough.
Just saw a man in a motorized chair roll by drinking a beer. It's 9:45 AM. I love Louisiana.
Does anyone remember last night? Because I still don't know why I now own a goldfish and a ceiling fan made of pizza?
We were drunk at 3am with no food. I sent him to the lobby with ninety cents for like a bag of chips and I swear on my life he came back with a meatball sub
...did you ask him where he got a meatball sub at 3:00am?
He just kept mumbling something about being a hunter/gatherer
Oh AND he got us two bags of chips.
You were so drunk, you kept telling everyone you had a platinum vagina.
The thing about online classes is the prof can't tell this mug is full of beer.
Randomize
