You're going to have to start masturbating with your left hand. Or with someone's vagina
What I lack in compassion I make up for in lack of compassion
Buying weed on Christmas. Gotta love Jewish drug dealers
I just used 'come play with my balls' as a legitimate booty call attempt. And it worked.
I want to have a prehistoric party. By that, I mean I want to dress up as a dinosaur and get drunk. That's all I want in life.
It's a gateway drink.... Starts with wine... Then I wake up in my car with mascara on my arms covered in french fries...
I'm going to shower the piss off me now. I feel like I was in an R. Kelly dream.
He wrote on the paper that he wanted a "Ptitty burreto" from taco bell...when we ordered it the girl paused and entered "Potatoe burrieto"....we laughed
We are magical, pot smoking, smart as hell, single as fuck, woodland dolphins.
I'll pick you up. Avoid slightly awkward no-we're-not-dating-but-I'm-still-screwing-your-son-after-2-years parental run-ins.
Jäger goes great with personal crises and receding morals...
Id prob hit it, but i instagram edited her picture to make her look better. Ha. She should fuck me just for that.
She asked if she should pack the condoms, I told her I plan on drinking so much that it won't be possible.
I just faked an orgasm while masturbating. Idk what exactly my problem is but I have one
I think I've had more sex in your bed than you have and I've only been here three days