Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
Miracle whip is the devil's jizz.
Unmistakable female orgasm noises coming from upstairs shower
She must've brought a toy -- seriously doubt that he's up to the task
He just screamed at her, "if you pass out i am still having sex with you!!!" In front of the entire party.
conquered wheelchair sex. it's rather convenient. you'd think it was made for it, with all those handles and adjustable features.
For some reason there are two like 10 year old black girls crumping at the bar. I feel like I'm in a missy elliot video.
Totally just sport flirted the shit out of a girl on a wheelchair. I've done my good deed for the day.
I hear youre working today. To keep you entertained, ive compiled a list of condiments that my dick has NOT been slathered in since last Friday: Relish, and raspberry jam. That's right.
On a side note Tyler is buying beer from a gas station in a panda suit priceless
I can wear a rubber suit at three am and spank someone's ass until its sore and fuck them three ways from Sunday. And get up the next day and do their laundry. As long as once in awhile they rub my back without expecting anything
I offered to trade my cat for a bottle of tequila as long as it had a handle on it and realized I had a problem
Sitting in the car eating a bagel. Watching a guy do tai chi in the parking lot. My morning is fabulous
It occurred to me today, whilst I was on the phone to boyfriend number 1, whilst in the car with boyfriend number 2 who was dropping me at the shops to meet boyfriend number 3 to help me buy a present for boyfriend number 4 that I should be having much more sex than I am.
Are you rolling a joint while doing homework?
No, I am rolling a joint with my homework.
Dude my cat is eating sugar cookies with me. No joke. My cat likes cookies.
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