grinding to god bless the USA? really?
shut up
if reincarnation is for serious, i better be a guy in my next life
with a huge shlong
massive. i wanna make bitches cry
Did you know that when you swallow it's like 60 calories!?
That's okay, it's all protein anyway.
70 feet underwater and I sharted my wetsuit, Tide pen won't clean this up.
I thought he was joking about the hundred beer challenge until two guys showed up with a camera and boom mic. This cabin party is going to be fucked
Showing up at the grocery store at 5am to have the clerk sprint to the condom cabinet waiving the keys because you told him to hurry it was an emergency
i'm taking a spore imprint of the mushroom we found growing in our bathroom and sending a picture to ryan. he will then be able to tell if it's trip-worthy
You need a Jiminy Cricket, but for sexual decisions.
No, I did not fuck him for football tickets. I fucked him for tickets to the superbowl. I'm not that much of a slut.
She just laid there, sucking on a piece of steak, with the most content look on her face. Just before she passed out (steak still on her mouth) she said the cat box needed to be emptied
he has this weird thing where he watches me pee
We're ordering chinese food so if you want to get on this obesity train answer me now.
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
I appreciate the fact that you sent me a snapchat of your dick soaking in a cup of water.
I'm going to need to invest in some knee pads if I keep having nights like tonight
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