Capitaan dildo arrescate!
I just cleaned your Jaeger vomit off my car with a knife. Don't ever say I don't love you.
I can't believe we just used the phrase "jizz to juice ratio" in casual conversation.
The one wearing a viking helmet and holding a bottle of Smirnoff. She's laying on the floor of the tube singing "cant find my way home" . You can't miss her..
Is it frowned upon to bring a flask to the er?
I'm making a quesadilla and including it in the picture because that's the only way I think I can send her dick pics.
Thanks for takin my cousin out last night, sorry I passed out so early
You kidding, the kids a legend. He literally killed a bottle of Jamison, made out with a girl AND her Mom at the bar, stole us slices of pizza and told the cab driver where to go in Spanish. He doesn't even live in the area. Can we keep him?
It's called hot rabbit the party if he asks the password is "careful" don't ask
i’m just listening to christina aguilera’s “your body” on repeat and trying not to pass out at my desk.
Dude he took a shit in the lake and it just floated around and lingered near our boat for 2 hours. I fucking hate that kid
I just said "I love my cat" as a hobby.
I just paid $10 for tinder plus so that I could change my location to Rio and match with Olympic Athletes
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
I'm gonna cum garlic butter
I drunkenly said, "That's my future father-in-law!" And everyone made an uncomfortable / disgusted face... including the aforementioined future father-in-law. Maybe I should start dating other people.
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