This guy has a retainer. We're golden.
I just remembered before I gave him head I couldn't find a hair tie and he offered to hold my hair up. Maybe we were wrong.. Maybe he does have a heart.
getting your period on valentines day is like an extra little fuck you, now you REALLY have no chance of sex tonight.
There should be a blender full of rum, tea, and grape jelly in the freezer. She thought it was a good idea until she blew chunks.
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he woke up with $200 in his pocket and had to buy his cell phone back from a hobo at the bus stop.
First of all, I don't like eggnog. Second of all too much rum is all bad. And thirdly I'm not there to sit in your lap and pretend you are Santa and I've been a bad girl.
she puked ON me while she was on top, worst holiday hookup ever
Lights are FLASHING. This just got REAL. CAPTALIZATION.
In a shocking revelation, I learned that the Easter Sunday shit show happened not because of vodka but because my gay neighbor drugged me.
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Why are there chunks of your hair in everyones pocket?
I decided to mark my territory.
Passed out on the bench in the men's bathroom. Feel much better now.
I was at a bus stop, eating a load of bread. Fairly sure I'm the poster child for poor students.
My drug dealer just made me weigh out my own weed because he was in the middle of taking his law enforcement final
So here's a tip: don't give a blowjob the same morning you're going to the dentist. Cuz they will think you have "mouth trauma."
He just said Bill Nye is just a dude. If I ever considered sleeping with him, I never will now.