I stood up and a chip flew out of my shirt and landed in the chip dish. I just walked away.
Just had a nice conversation with my landlord while cleaning your puke off my car
Either way, he made a blog for his cat.
Why did I wake up holding food tongs?
I blacked out before two in the afternoon yesterday. Now that's a successful birthday.
Doctor just prescribed me 20mg Ritalin 3 times a day. It's becoming the "grain and oats" section of my food triangle.
i think maybe i'll just not watch it. i'd rather not think of you as a magical transforming set of dick holes.
They sent me to the hospital. Apparently, of the many things I said, I looked at the doctor and told him, "Wow... it's like you're a REAL DOCTOR!"
Its a little weird going to a wedding where I've screwed the bride and my wife has screwed the groom. Great wedding though.
That moment when you realize the hot british guy named rory you drunkenly made out with at a bar is American, is named Tyler, and has a girlfriend.
I mean, if there was a version of you with a penis, you'd fuck it...right? Like just outta curiosity at least
Literally just sitting around waiting for someone to come along and fuck my chakras back into alignment
I came so hard my entire leg seized. Her blowjob gave me a Charlie horse.
Jarrod's passed out on the chair with a cup of milk and I've been staring him down in an attempt to use telepathy to make him spill it. Attempts unsuccessful.
The Adderall says yes, but my body says no.
Randomize
