im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
true best friends attempt to put quarters in each others butts. Thanks for the best birthday ever!
I'll start drinking again when I know where I am
All I want in this world right now are Doritoessssss
OK. You going to get home safe? Who are you with?
Doritoesssssss
I need to stop fucking people before I get to know them
Well, my mom brought up me being vague about losing my license and she gave me the intervention look. so i left before they could bring out their heartfelt letters...
We need to stop sleeping with people based on which NFL team they like.
im sorry for trying to flush a roll of toilet paper down with my puke. probably not great for your toilet
We didn't have sex because he locked himself in the bathroom and passed out while he was taking a shit. I cuddled with his cat.
She just won 2 Grammys at 17 and were sitting here hotboxing our half bathroom
He wore socks while I was giving him head. I couldn't even focus on his penis because of the socks.
I think I heard my penis growl. Wanna do lunch?
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
I stole $10 from the guy I hooked up with last night.Not sure why but it was definitely more satisfying.
Alan said you can come over and eat me out anytime you want, as long as we give him enough notice to hide in the closet before we arrive
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