You can bone my sister, but I will end our friendship if you write 'LOLERS' one more time at the end of your texts.
I hope you're ready because I look like an elf on crack had a baby in the medieval era and that baby grew up to be a whore
i take joy in having bigger boobs than others
Just dunked an oreo in a white russian. Trying to think of a better experience in my life and failing.
you don't remember? you called me at 330 crying because you were in the middle of having sex with corey and forgot his name. all you kept saying was i'm a drunk bitch.
Does transporting jello shots count as driving with an open container?
Well i just learned hong kong is a country...thank you olympics
This guy in church just had a prayer request to help him get through his hangover. He is my new hero.
Someone said we're out of ice. You collapsed on the spot and started sobbing, saying 'but where will all the polar bears live". That drunk.
The "puke-towel" started to grow something...
When I realised he had a girlfriend I just started telling them about my ex and how I write poetry about him. Which I then read to them. They just gave me pity looks and left me to finish my spliff alone.
took off my bra and popcorn fell out of it. im gonna puke at this wedding...
Is using La Croix as a mixer for vodka a legit way to reach my daily water consumption?
I'm dying of laughter, but I'm also just dying
Send help
I legit just quacked out loud at a duck on campus. Realized after that there were people around me, they looked at me funny...
Randomize
