in the event that i am dead, my body is laying in the intersection of ... the pearl in springfield. it was my friend's 21st but i think i'm dead. wearing a black top. like i said, probably dead.
no i did not stop my best friend from eating out my sister...bros before hoes
Stop selling my mother weed! She's annoying as hell when she's stoned.
update. expensive tequila only makes the mistakes more expensive.
she acted like she'd never seen someone do speed off of a desk with a rolled up receipt. and she calls herself a grad student.
Dude, the cops never think it's as funny as you do.
I cant yet im literally covered in lube but I will later
Why did 20 jello shots in a row sound like a good idea last night?
I attempted to stand up and was quickly reminded by gravity that I am the universe's bitch right now
You kept trying to get the girl i brought home to hook up with you by enticing her with 12 baconnators you brought home
My jeans are ripped and her glitter was all over me.. My walk of shame looked like I fucked a unicorn last night
I got the job! The hiring manager is the sister of a guy I slept with so its like I'm a real adult now
So when he asked me to go on a date tonight, I didn't think the words "have you tried a suppository" would be part of the evening.
Just saw a hotel with a bunch of mattresses in the parking lot. Made me think of you.
I definitely almost just pulled a condom out of my purse instead of money for my dad.
Randomize
