I just woke up in the back of his van. Bring me a sunkist.
his facial hair looked like he just ate out someone's ass
No one showed up yet so I smoked 4:20 on chatroulette with a naked chick..
I cant believe Lindsay Lohan feels like this every day
Dude we need to petition the city about running buses later, none of my booty calls own cars
You paid the taxi driver with a comb last night.
riding the spinning bikes at the rec after Valentines Day was a baaddddd idea
Yep. Just threw myself a bachelorette party with my coworkers penis before I re-enter the holy order of monogomous relationships.
I found you laying in the kitchen with a bottle of vodka and a slice of bologna on your face. You said you were having a spa day.
New found love of volunteering, when there's free wine available at all times. Good times. And I get to to feel good about helping people.
The girl in the stall next to me is puking her brains out, I'd say she had just a good a weekend as us
I gave her some alkaseltzer ad she looked at me lke I was god
We went from zero to drunk tank in 45 minutes.
I feel badly that he has cancer, but this does not mean I am obligated to have sex with him. Again.
i got kicked out of McDonald's for demanding a margarita mcflurry
I'm drunk eating a quesadilla while this kid is tryina come over and I'm just like no. I want the quesadilla.
Randomize
