one word: firstdatebathroomanal
just saw ex-bf. should he be more embarrassed to be a college dropout working at rite aid or should i be because i was buying newports and rembrant?
tie
I kinda knew it wasnt going to pan out when he would rather watch how i met your mother ON TIVO than fuck me......
The freshman came home at 9 this morning with one heel, no pants, and a strangers sweatshirt covered in tequila-scented vomit. I think we're done corrupting her for a while.
He said he had bite marks on his back... Turns out he had to throw me over his shoulder, and I was really reluctant.
It's four o'clock and my 60yo aunt's tits have already made an appearance and there is a dildo traveling around the room periodically assaulting family members. Strangely I am thankful.
I wish I could but I can't. No beer pong or sex on a hammock...such an unproductive weekend
They need to leave so I can start drinking shamefully.
THE CEO RESPONDED TO THE MEMO WITH HIS "UNICORN" EMAIL ADDRESS AND NOW HE'S APOLOGIZING TO EVERYONE FOR USING HIS PERSONAL EMAIL AT WORK.
I'm home now if you wanna come over.
Sloane just tried to lick my eyeball. I'm going to regain my composure then I'll be there.
I spent half an hour sculpting my pubes into a perfect triangle of really short hair, and the first thing he said when he saw it was "Don't you think you need a shave?"
I will read books by day and do guys by night. A mental and physical enlightenment, if you will.
I'm gonna try and get through this weekend sober, which is gonna be tough especially since I've already started drinking.
I saved a sauce packet from taco bell that said "Free me" to use in my next break up.
you kept shouting 'jesus penis' when i was on the phone with 911
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