I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
can we take a shower together?
no need for the romantic shit. I'm a sure thing
She asked me why I was wearing a Batman Suit. Have I ever needed a reason to wear a Batman Suit?
Even jesus won't love me after tonight. I'm going hard.
Just got offered to exchange moonshine for manscaping services by a gay guy. I'm gonna have the smoothest back in St. Louis county.
It was one of those you-have-no-other-way-home-and-we-already-made-out-so-I-guess-youre-coming-home-with-me-if-you-promise-to-leave-early kind of deals.
I think we should bring back the casual nipple tassel
Dude id rather jerk off w a fist full of bee's than deal with that girl that never stops talking.
Drinking ketchup directly out of the bottle does not make it tomato juice.
I threw up in a Buffalo Wild Wings and then got a high-five. I really don't understand America
I was standing in my mom's kitchen in only my neon green thong, eating pizza over the garbage can, and sobbing while he was yelling at me.
Drunk me just left a note for sober me apologizing for all the fucking crumbs in our bed
You got stoned and bought $300 worth of pudding. Again! Why do YOU think she left you?
He played Harry Potter Fan Fiction videos to get me in the mood. He might be the one.
Thank you for dog sitting, there is $60 on my desk to be spent on DRUGS AND/OR GAS ONLY not that food stuff people crave.
Randomize
