i just woke up at 8pm naked in my bed, with a fresh haircut. I wonder what barber i went to.
We made a percocet pizza. And then i made an unfortunate decision.
we put the last xanax in the middle and played hungry hungry hippos to see whod get it
fair is fair
I'm wearing cowboy boots and showing way too much cleavage to be in a place with no jaeger.
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Coming out of the blackout mid beej was nice. Seeing her face was not.
I have been referring to it as "thanks for getting out of me day" all week. Do you think they will still take me to brunch tomorrow?
Woke up this morning with my period. Saw a commercial for the beginning of Shark Week. I see what you did there, Mother Nature. My pad's off to you.
We're you guys there last night when everyone started chanting "Nacho Steph"? Someone picked me up, carried me to the nacho cheese and made me do a nacho cheese stand.
They should just send me home - I'm literally doing nothing but watching porn and listening to pandora.
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I ate an entire popcorn ball before bed. I know that because there is popcorn stuck to my poncho. Also. I'm still drunk. Also. I made out with a 19 year old. Also. #barnparties
Yes, bail money means jail. It also means lie to dad, do it now.
I'm serious-it was like trying to deep-throat a minivan.
The first thing I did when I got to the apartment was masturbate on the couch
I threw your vagina at him like a grenade. And sweet Jesus he caught it like a champ
I’m going to bedazzle that dick
What does that even mean
No idea, but I guarantee he’ll get hard every time he remembers it
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