I'm not even planning on drinking that much tonight.. but I'm writing "emergency contact number" and your number on my hand just in case
i feel like my eyelids need a kick stand.
Awww. A guy on the train just took his coat off so his girlfriend could throw up into it. Who says chivalry is dead?
i looked up his schedule, waited outside his classroom, and handed him the receipt for plan b
She tags her boyfriend in all of her pictures on her heart...
i just remembered i chipped my tooth last night when i pulled up your pants zipper with my teeth
Yeah, I think they knew. I smelled like that telltale combination of strippers and Easter.
a kid puked on the floor and instead of, you know, cleaning it they cut a square out of the carpet with a boxcutter and threw it outside
is one penis in the hand worth one better nicer penis in the manscaped bush?
She said, I've heard about you, from girls you wouldn't even be interested in. What?
Hahahaha don't tempt me. Remember we're trying to avoid airport jail if possible
I feel like I should be having more sex dreams of my boyfriend than his sister..
Well my normal tinder strategy of "Will I have sex with her when I'm sober" has been paying off
The clothing optional portion of the night began around midnight. Then we did disgusting things to each other. It was beautiful.
How much weed can I reasonably smoke now if I have to leave for work in a bit over an hour
Randomize
