Cab driver just said he likes mutual masturbation in the cab. Um
3.50 mugs at the bar.
Nah man, im with an ugly chick. Im waiting til everyone's drunk enough tonight, they don't notice.
How ugly, and does she have friends?
I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
My little sister just found a condom in her bag i borrowed... Happy fourteenth birthday.
Lesson 1: you can't keep macking on a girl if you get handcuffed
Family of uber douches all wearing ed hardy in a hummer taking up 2 parking spots at starbucks. Please be more cliche
I just found a beer pong ball in my mail box. I think its a sign
If you can't do the LSAT hung over. You can't do the LSAT. That's the real practice.
Kinda wish I banged him. I need the exercise.
YOU STOLE THE WEDDING CAKE?!?!
Only one tier
Tastes like cardboard anyway
I'm figuring, since someone shoved pizza crust in my ear last night, there might be some leftover pizza.
When you're not at your house I assumed you're somewhere having sex
To be fair I went my whole first week without showing up to work drunk!
Is it sacrilegious to take tequila shots on Saint Patrick's day?
They're doing CPR to someone in the middle of Victoria's Secret. Way to block the undies, damnit!
Randomize
