Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
You should dream of me :)
I'm going to dream of single life.
Why are there hot girls at the dollar store?
The recession has changed everything man.
We couldn't even have sex we were both laughing so hard. I don't know how I feel about the quality of that weed.
I'm pretty sure I just overheard my boss call his sperm precious metal...
The kids I taught this morning even knew i was drunk. One of them even said, and I quote, "You smell like my dad after he goes bowling."
I have vodka an food stamps. At some point today, that will undoubtedly turn into jello shots.
My uncrustable is thawing in my straightener
I have your car and your sandals. My shoes are somewhere under the puke couch. Safari time.
If you've ever wanted to get filthy in a Catholic church before 2 on a Wednesday, I might be your guy.
I haven't been motivated enough for a shirt. And only half the day was bra-worthy.
you got coffee,laid,and a sandwich. that never happens when I work
Is it too early to get staydrunk at 1pm on Friday for Monday's St Patty's day
The vodka gummy bears are so strong. If I die of alcohol poisoning, please tell my dad it was single malt scotch.
Just seriously saw this chick say, watch this motherfuckers then did a 42 sec keg stand.
You at least asked for her number right?
Randomize
