If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
I'm not really sure how I got home, but judging by this headache, i'm assuming it involved bourbon.
i drunkenly decided i was going to take down all the male cheerleaders, gay or not. 1 down about 10 more to go.
I've also decided that the true test of whether or not you should marry a girl is if she will willingly blow you while you eat Oreos.
Seriously, come get him. He's not even a person anymore. He's a loud, drunk, cock-blocking wrecking ball.
I'll be on pinterest all night planning crafty things to do with my cats in 10 years.
He put his hand in my cleavage. NOT ON. IN. BETWEEN. NO more gingers
Were you drinking last night?
Because typically I don't associate the phrase 'Go sleepy time' with sobriety.
I'm going to get old and fat one day... probably pretty soon and I'm not going to have any pictures to show to my cats of what I once looked like.
Please tell me how the stripper got back to Sarah's from the trailer park
YOURE ABOUT TO SEE SO MUCH UNCIRCUMCISED DICK
it’s not easy to sexualize brunch. work with me, babe.
I am not walking across campus just to give you a blow job in the hopes that in return i can study more efficiently.
You were in the back of the cop car and told the cop to ask me if I got laid. Youre a dedicated wingman.
Randomize
