when i'm not drinking i'm making facebook events about drinking
Dude, I just went to take a piss and looked at my ballsack... Underneath was labled "L" and "R"
WHY DO I WANT TO FUCK EVERY GUY THAT BREATHES
Whenever you get off. By "pick me up from work" I mean, "pick me up from a bar by work at your earliest convenience" :)
I'm imagining a seal in an ugly shirt hahahahaha Percocet
my cockatiel has aquired a taste for beer. I should not be allowed to own exotic pets.
and if planning a fake elopement keeps me from fucking strangers and doing drugs, i think it's good for me
I had to get my boss birth control a work today. I knew going to ASU would come in handy in my career someday.
Today is a shit your pants at work kinda day
I think it was a low point but honestly at this point I've had so many that my life is like a valley
I promise that I won't shotgun beers with your boyfriend this time, Scouts Honor.
Don't mention it
Just endorse me for cunnilingus on LinkedIn
If you're gonna show up unannounced on hangover day, you better have coffee doughnuts and a boner
Little does she know that you've out-sourced your conscience to a girl who doesn't even wear pants on a regular basis
And then I was like pick your blow job song and he choose the sonic the hedgehog theme song. If he's not the one no one is.
Randomize
