I'm trashed wearing your mom's snuggie. She says hello.
There isn't a single transaction on my online bank account that doesn't involve drugs or alcohol since November 12
so my doctor just swabbed my throat, and he looked up in suprise when i had no gag reflex. yea, he just judged me.
there are 2 things i love giving: blowjobs & backrubs. how can i tell them that without sounding like a slut
Fuck him tonight for the both of us. We're still tag-teaming in spirit.
Just because he saw my boobs doesn't mean he knows me all of a sudden
Also, at 1:30 I emailed myself saying, "are you there Margaret? It's me, god"
You never know, some chick could have a weird unibrow fetish.
If I don't survive tonitght I would like to thank you for the ricekrispy treats. I am majestic
Nothing says "welcome to Denver" like a hot 18 year old giving you directions to the dispensary and ending up blowing you in the backseat
No seriously, I don't care if you just sucked God's dick. I have had a better Fat Tuesday than you
I have never appreciated strippers so much. Ma'am, you are an artist
I just cut open the plastic package of a Plan B pill using the bottle opener I carry in my purse. #whyidrink
There's literally not a single picture of him with a shirt on. I can't talk to him without dislocating my eye balls.
dude igloo, 4 foot bong, and 3 grams of blue dream. will you be my eskimo buddy?
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