put your butt on the phone this is a booty call
Went home with a 29 year old from the bar. Life lesson: 9 year olds stay up late sometimes
if sarah has 12 dollars and spends 6 of it on cheap booze how much will she spend on hangover food the next morning?
4 on the dollar menu at mcdonalds
mom cant say that college never taught us math
How do you tell someone they are only invited if they put out?
There's a 24 hour period after giving head where you can't eat penis shaped food without me laughing at you
I am too drunk to make real decisions. I had pop rocks all over my ass earlier. This is not a joke.
Now they're talking about doing whiskey shots since they're flipping the turkey over. You might need to drive me home.
Am I the only one creeped out by the guy asleep behind our couch?
I will not fuck this loser. I will not fuck this loser. I will not fuck this loser.
Just gave a blow job while wearing a shirt that says 'world's coolest mom' idk how my conscience feels...
True friends don't judge, they just try to have more booty calls than you do.
VOOOODKA VOOODKA WE PLEDGE OUR LOVE TO THEEEE VODKAAAA VODKAAAA SAVIOR OF LIBERTYYYY
You have a long distance relationship and I have a long distance snapchat sexting buddy. If that doesn't describe who we are as people then I don't know what does.
Knowing there are different types of spiders in different countries and regions makes me never want to travel.
It’s 830 am and the amount of Valentine’s Day snaps I’ve already seen makes me either want to vom, drink a bottle of wine, or buy chocolate
1000% No lie I was just looking on insta and was thinking about taking a bottle of wine to the face..
Randomize
