so heres a good story. about 6 hrs ago i took a bath with bruce blasting. and 6 hrs later i woke up still in my bathtub but in cold water
I just smelled my beer. It smells like coming home.
Totally just asked Dad if I needed to show the real estate guy my tits so he would let us buy the house. I've really got to work on that filtering thing.
he was holding his dick in one hand and my boob in the other and i looked down and thought, this is my life
Mystery solved: The table is broken because I had sex on it last night.
Well Its not like I planned having my potato launcher explode and burn off my eyebrow and eye lashes.. I still have my right eyebrow can't u just be happy?
Omg how many tall cans is too many tall cans for 1 pm
There's a man with a stuffed dog and a can of dog food on the L. Should I break it to him?
Best not to. Some people need their delusions.
It's like the bat signal. He only texts me when I'm naked.
he brought with him gifts of cookie dough and penis. upgrading our relationship from fwb's to bf/gf was an incredibly smart merger.
I fear our relationship is coming to an end. Last night I felt the need to bloody apologise for waking him up with a blow job.
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
I'm in the fetal position trying to figure out a way to get someone to deliver me pancakes.
Sorry about peeing on your phone last night
You fucked him, didn’t you?
He showed up at my house with tacos, rum and a negative Covid test. Of course I fucked him. I’m just a simple girl that likes tacos, not Margaret Thatcher!
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