Every time we have sex I can't stop thinking about Jesus
He shit in the bushes next to the pool at the Venetian, after throwing up in the hallway. You really can do anything in Vegas.
I replied to the university automated mass text about the armed robbery at the on-campus Starbucks with a sad face. Basically sums up my night.
then you put baby powder on the bottom of your feet and walked to your room so "ladies would follow the footprints"
It's a big world.....someone has to fuck it.
Confidence margaritas not a good idea. Just said foreskin in my presentation instead of foresight.
It's not meant to be. I also just shot a turkey baster of gin into Nate's eye, so....
Just made a list of all the guys I've hooked up with. "Roofie tattoo eyelids", "xanex night guy", "rainy concert", "cory blanket" and "naked hottub guy" made it.
I guess I realized I had a problem when I ordered 4 shots and told the bar wench to pour them all into 1 glass
We're walking, taxis are a waste of money that can be spent on alcohol.
The liquor stores are closed! NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! CURSE YOU SANDY!!!!
Well, we broke up and instead of putting my shit out on the curb like a normal person, she fucking donated everything to Goodwill. So now I have to pay two dollars for one of my own t shirts.
dude you literally had like 30 screwdrivers, i thought you were gonna die
that explains why my vomit smells like it came from florida
Just woke up from a dream where I had lesbian sex with myself (a clone of me)... Take that, Freud!
I maxed out my credit card last night on powdered donuts and beef jerky
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