genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
I tried to cut him off and he said "I was the president of a fraternity for 3 years, I could outdrink God."
people who like being in relationships make me feel bad about myself.
My dildo fell into the bathtub. It sounded like a chainsaw.
Walk of Shame'd halfway down a mountain, skiiers passing. Do not drink with lifties at the end of ski season.
I just walked past a woman in the bar stroking a mans crotch, yelling 'I made this. I made this happen.'
There's a knife in my toilet. And I meant to ask you last night if you got a hair cut?
I'll just tell her I'm here with you picking out a buttplug for her to say "I'm sorry".
booty call birthday vouchers, best idea ever. it's like giving a present to myself for someone else's birthday.
You were telling the cab driver that you believe in him and just to follow his dreams
i'm going to invent a mini fridge that can hang from faucets so i don't have to get out of the bathtub anymore for a cold beer. its a million dollar idea
I really want to throw this drink in your face but it was 6 dollars that shits expensive
Once you jizz in someones hat, you cant take it back.
It was bad. U were calling my cat "kittiano" and playing her like a piano. Way too drunk my friend.
I dont understand why i cant be a wizard
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