You're gonna have to start calling my house phone from now on
How come?
Cuz 'Dad' looked pretty similar to the word Dane when i sent that picture message
you decided to have a spaghetti fight but then you got greedy and decided to eat it all.
somehow we got the entire party to start singing "ill make a man out of you" from mulan. needless to say, that kid had the best keg stand i'd ever seen.
my dad just referred to me and my boobs as 'the three of you'
Am i fat?
Well i wouldnt let you on top
i have learned 4:30 is too early to start pregamming for the midnight harry potter
She took the bride and groom figures and the top layer of their cake and tried to walk out of the reception with it in her purse.
I was about to send you a concerned-for-your-safety text b/c it took you more than ten seconds to respond to a text that mentioned both the bar and lesbians
There are flashing lights and a man dressed as Santa with a bullhorn in my cul de sac.
I'm not sure if this is awesome or scary.
The strip clubs here are like a safari of penis, and I'm gonna bag me a rhino.
I don't know what that means. But if you take off your pants, you'll probably get arrested.
Summer bikini season begins today. I hereby declare the commencement of the 2013 HUNT FOR CUNT.
he came to me for relationship advice and we ended up fucking in my backseat
She showed up at 4:30 in the morning HAMMERED, stripped, demanded sex, then after 4 failed attempts stopped me mid-thrust to tell me she thought we should be fucking for a cause, like animal rights. Process that for a second. She wanted us to be fucking for animal rights.
She shaved her vagina in my bed. Good night
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