my professor just told me i smelt like a brewery infront of my whole class b4 my final presentation
I can't make any promises. I've tried my best to stay celibate. But if a guys on top of me, Im gonna tell him to stick it in.
I'm way too drunk on a Sunday to handle this level of Jesus.
so i turned around to do some reverse cowgirl when he said that this was such a better visual for him. Bad compliment or serious insult. i cant tell
Do you think I can haggle my way to discounted weed on 4.21?
Random girl at this party just gave me a lap dance in a la-Z-boy. Night significantly improved.
was it you or me who tried to make the, what appears to be, nacho cake in the oven?
I'll try not to. I have an appointment at the hospital tomorrow so my goal is to wake up there.
i will trade you pizza and a blowjob for a fifth of vodka.
do i get to eat the pizza while you give me the blowjob?
If I had to give her an idea on what it means to be ur date I would compare it to being Ralph macchio's gf in the first karate kid... That's one of the coolest things I've ever said... I love drugs.
Dude, all I know is that I came out of this thing wearing a snorkel mask and completely covered in glitter and soap.
Waking up in a NH rest stop and reading through my texts is definitely a familiar low
cmon you know I'm perfectly capable of something that ridiculous 100% sober
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
I couldnt sleep the entire night because her cats kept reaching under the door like they were trying to eat me for taking their place on her bed.
I always knew youd fuck a cat lady
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