Those strippers last night smelled great. It was the perfect mixture of vanilla and daddy issues.
First time i ever had an awkward silence during sex.
[insert really romantic bullshit about how much i love you and how beautiful you are so you will suck my dick tonight]
I'm not saying going to the volleyball games drunk on Tuesday night was a bad idea I'm just saying we shouldn't make a routine of it.
Just to be safe, you should be prepared to jump out of a second story window
Being the only sober one.. I had to feed you guys doritos. You kept licking my fingers.
You definitely in your drunken state were really concerned you would forget to buy milk today
I need to get a job that holds me accountable for something. Otherwise I wake upon Monday wondering when the booze store opens and if I still have a boyfriend.
LOVE ME MORE THAN PIZZA CAN
So I deleted all the text from my phone, was looking for my mom's coffee order and show the coffee guy the pic of me eating pussy.
How many Wendy's frosties do you think it would take to fill a bathtub?
Im watching animal planet drunk, watching a documentary on mermaids. Tonight has not gone to waste.
You tell anyone I'm rocking out to Pitbull in an economy, base-model car, I'll kill you.
I don't trust my subconscious. It sleeps with my exboyfriend sometimes.
roommate singing save a horse ride a cowboy wearing a cowboy hat a bikini and jeans while humping the couch.
Randomize
