I glued a penny on the door Tricia believes its Patrick Swayze haunting our apartment. Fuckin potheads.
Thanks for the birthday present, i had so much fun playing with it
Are you talking about my vagina?
I passed out on my porch last night. I'm still making it to class. This is what growing up means.
You disinfected one of his friends, buttered the jeans of the other one. And you poured every liquid you could reach on the floor, including cooking oil and green tea. It wasnt a great first impression
Would it be in bad taste to ask Marky Mark to sign the vibrator I named after him?
He tried to make an olympic torch by lighting a corona box on top of a pool cleaner.
In my drunkeness I was planning how to throw up without my parents hearing. I was gonna go for a "run" and just throw up outside.
He refused to pierce my nipples, saying they are the best he's ever seen and that blemishing them would be a crime
I ate an entire popcorn ball before bed. I know that because there is popcorn stuck to my poncho. Also. I'm still drunk. Also. I made out with a 19 year old. Also. #barnparties
I got picked up after "I just threw up in my face". Then I had very specific instructions involving the bathtub.
At the very least, I mastered a nap while occasionally being dry humped.
Taking care of a girl who just peed on my floor so tonight is not a good night for sex
I am more than mildly offended he didn't screenshot the snapchat of my boobs.
I'm in Florida in a retirement community the fuck am I supposed to do but watch tv and disgrace Jesus
I'm only coming over if you have cocaine or a snickers bar
Randomize
