If I sit on the seam of my jeans just the right way when the bass hits, this might be my new favorite band.
When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
the Monday before Thanksgiving is not a Monday at all. Just Thursday in Monday suit.
You threw up in a Dixie cup last night. Oddly, you just gained major points in my book for that.
next time the cops show up in riot gear we should probably leave
and miss being on the news....no way
I'm too tired to go all the way tonight, especially if you're going to quote Katy Perry at me during
To the person who left a cup of vomit in the bathroom: I commend you for your aim but you are dead to me- not an ideal birthday present.
this cock blocking thing really has to end bro...its one thing to tell jen i live with my mom.. its another to cut the brakes on my car..
Just got a free shot w my beer...it's not quite 11am yet...I love international travel. These people aren't judgmental.
I can feel my ovaries exploding thinking about them.
I'm so incredibly high right now the fact I am texting is nothing short of miraculous. Call the Pope. Hell make me Saint Roy, patron of stoners.
After the bar we stopped to Meijer where I found myself singing little mermaid while rubbing a pack of hotdogs on my face..
I didn't think you were that drunk until you were trying to rub your foot on my vag under the table at the thai place.
I I was gonna wake him up with a blow job but I don't know how he would feel about it.
He graduated. He’s not my GA anymore. He’s just the 24 year old that’s helping me put a sexless marriage in the rear view mirror by exploring the Kama sutra with me
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