just woke up and he was jacking off in the corner.. am i being punked?
I just walked in on my roommate beating off with no pants on, an unbuttoned hawaiian shirt and a cowboy hat, and he weights 300 pounds
Disgusting. If I saw her naked my dick would pack up his balls and leave.
no, no, no. omg. i said i wanted a SANDWICH! not a picture of your dick. damn cant you read? SANDWICH! now im blinded. great job.
I'm pre-party power houring. It's so catchy I couldn't not do it
If I have to take him to the hospital, I'm drawing dicks on his face
I have a meeting at work in an hour, I'm so hungover going outside is NOT happening there are roads and shit I'll totally get myself killed.
I have hit nutritional rock bottom I am spreading peanut butter on to lays potato chips
If is anything like my past relationships, I have no doubt that I will single-handedly reignite the Cold War
The woman in the hospital bed next to me just got diagnosed with flea bites on her vag.
Whaaaaaat? No way.
Now a discussion of pigs vs. dog as carrier.
On Wednesday I'm putting wine in a water bottle and crashing Margaret thatchers funeral
my new years resolution to eat more toast and mastrubate more often is going well so far.
You showed up at my house at 4am with a bloody nose, one shoe and a bucket of chicken... I live no where near a place that sells chicken in a bucket..
Well that would explain the bones in my purse.
11:30pm - Shots together. 12:15pm Shots together. 12:45pm Shots together. 9:30am Plan B's together.
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
Randomize
