You were telling me about how you were gonna marry him, have his children and name them all woodchip.
his prince albert piercing just severely cut the roof of my mouth. can you pick me up at the hospital if he drops me off?
Any particular reason you put 2 smashed up limes in my back pocket last night?
I just realized that I'm gonna have to lower my standards if I want random head.
you cant just puke in an arbys and not order food. thatd be rude.
She's cheated on every boyfriend she's ever had with the same guy. She's like a slutty yo-yo.
I just crashed on my couch and have no intention of ever getting up again
I will be over with a bedpan and beer
You know what would make the espn body photos even better? If anyone knew who any of those fucking athletes were. That, and maybe not feature Gary Player.
I have to take tonight off from shenanigans. My liver is planning a coup
ALSO I MAYBE ACCIDENTALLY HAND CUFFED MYSELF TO A CHAIR
Concept: I never actually flirt with anyone, I'm just a bitch and some people find it endearing
Jamie's fucking a senior citizen and I'm eating chips and salsa in the shower at 2am, so whatever you're doing it can't be worse.
He called out my ex's name during sex.
Alex is a pretty common unisex name.
It was the same Alex. I asked.
All I recall is being at the strip club doing dark rum shots and then puking a question mark on the wall above the garbage can in the men's room and having diarrhea in the sink. 6th drunkest I've ever been without blacking out.
Let's get this straight. I am six fucking feet tall. Do you even understand how limited my options in guys to date are? No. Did you see my last three boyfriends? I looked like a fucking giant next to them. So I will fuck this six-foot-seven Italian model even if I am the ugliest girl at this party because, goddammit, I deserve to.
Randomize
