Did I ever tell you that the first person i made out with cried?
Just threw up in a trash can by the ATM. Then pulled out money for weed.
Just had to explain to a senior manager why I had duct tape residue on my wrist and hand. This weekend was a success.
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
as my niece was drinking milk out of a crown royal glass i realized i dont think i've ever bought a glass that didnt come with a bottle of liquor....
DID YOU JUST COME OUT THROUGH A FACEBOOK COMMENT??
No, we have matured. We've stopped having sex in front if his room mate.
I've never felt so inclined to grow a dick. THIS is what the gays in this town have done to me
Exact words that were just spoken as she was on her 6th, yes 6th piece of bread: "I'm only eating the soft and chewy inside of the bread-I am taking the crust home to feed my turtles"
don't trust your eyes. just sniff them. if they smell like axe, they are broke, move on to the next.
I have to remind myself to breathe. That hungover.
So you're on like a list there now..."Do not under any circumstances give this person a knife. Serve them in plastic cups ONLY"
He's a 30 yr old man who voluntarily goes by Stevie and his job title is "Jumbotron Operator". There's a 97.5% chance he lives in his mom's basement. STOP THIS NOW!!!
I'm driving to his house to eat chicken and hopefully have an orgasm
I'm drunk but I just ate 2 heads of broccoli so does that mean it evens out?
Yes absolutlely
Randomize
