I want to give you a handjob with my mouth.
Any girl that compares her vag to a hot ham sandwich is beyond a slut
i have to start hiding my credit card when i drink i woke up this morning with 4 emails from Farmville telling me i spent over $800 on coins last night
if you could put a roof over IU campus it would be the biggest whorehouse in the nation
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
Last night, I accomplished the impossible. I pissed while riding my bicycle home without pissing all over myself. My Dutch friends gave me a round of applause and said I was now the king of holland.
LSHMSFOAIDMT = laughing so hard my sombrero falls off and I drop my taco.
He tricked me into going on a double date with him, I don't like that he's not using me for just sex anymore
Cause I came home. Im covered in green marker and jack daniels. Theres a taco and the words "we went to Mexico" on my wrist. Im a walking abomination.
Woke up in a wet suit with my junk cut out. In a strange apartment. Just found thing biggest bong u have ever seen. WHERE ARE YOU?!?!?!
Santa was walking around downtown handing out stuff at the bars. He gave me a free eyebrow wax. I think he's trying to tell me something
This guy just asked me to stab his arm with my keys to make sure he wasn't dying.
I was trying to pee in the bushes and the person who lived in the house where the bushes were planted started knocking on the window to get me to stop peeing in their bushes
Why can't burritos get me drunk
So I got offered a job this morning based on being a "good role model for girls" and I am drunk at 330 in the afternoon in "celebration." sometimes, life is insane. But not so bad.
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