I'm chasing vodka with french fries.
she was so ugly that the sight of her made me shiver and then i had to play it off like a draft blew by that only i felt.
If I were trying to take advantage of you I would have maxed out all your credit cards by now.
Haha Tomato, Tomato. That doesn't work very well via text message.
Ya know, in a round about way coinstar is just a glorified vending machine for all my bad choices.
just when i thought i had forgotten how badthe sex was he comes across campus solely to say hi
She asked if you knew her boyfriend, and you responded that you "think you gave him head once" and then hiccupped.
My roomate asked me why she found condoms in the pringles container. I don't know what to tell her
What's the most polite way to say "Congrats on losing weight, but no one is happy your boobs got smaller."
Everything was yummy and fruit flavored and five alive and happymeas.
I'm not wearing a bra, watching Netflix and eating gushers. I don't know a better way to spend a hangover.
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
The ONLY place I sext is in my anatomy class. It's an amped up level of playing doctor.
Just saw a hotel with a bunch of mattresses in the parking lot. Made me think of you.
And I broke things off with Justin last night. Except I texted him while he was asleep and then I was like well, that's probably not what he wants to wake up to, so I sent him a picture of the coconut I microwaved and caught on fire when I was really high one time.
Randomize
